“Little Do You Know That My Smile May Be Real But So Is My Chronic Anxiety…”

My next blog post is going to be far more heartfelt & perhaps make me a little vulnerable in this judgmental world of social media.. ( well in this judgmental world ).

Yip that’s me smiling as I usually am…

However after seeing how many people have taken their lives recently, unable to deal with modern day stress, depression and anxiety – I think it is so important to share our own stories, in the hopes that we can maybe help these people.

Stop them from trying to find peace whilst leaving behind shattered loved ones.

Make them see that there is hope, that one can “control” these “conditions” that there are so many people quietly suffering from, day in and day out.

That we should no longer see anxiety or depression as taboo – they are not.

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Mostly I will write this blog to try in my own little way to say “Hey I am here, I know how you feel, call me, write to me… I will try and help”

I guess I will write about my journey.

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I am lucky enough to only suffer with chronic anxiety.

Lucky being the operative word as it is a crippling thing.

However I am always laughing and joking, I am outgoing and friendly, and if I had depression I think those things would also be taken from me… how sad for those who suffer from both.

Those who know my family history will understand why I got anxiety at 5 years old, just a little thing terrified of death and those around her dying … these fears are more pronounced today than ever, and as with chronic anxiety they have attached themselves to other fears, yip irrational ones but fears nonetheless.

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My Faith in God gets me through my anxiety attacks and somehow I wish I could just place that extra faith in him to get me through the daily, constant anxiety (day by day… second by second… I won’t give up and neither will He).

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I think that for an anxiety sufferer to try and explain to someone without anxiety just what our thoughts are … is impossible.

So, as someone most people see as a happy girl, blessed with everything of the best in life (I am thankfully) perhaps you will understand when someone who is not happy, who is sad and scared behaves in these ways, as I do, you will think back to my smile and outgoing nature and remember anxiety and depression CAN AFFECT ANYONE…

We will:

Seem unreliable as we feel fine and agree to do something social and when the day comes we can’t. We are paralyzed with fear and instead of telling you we will ignore you… it’s less scary.

Not answer phone calls or texts … this small task can seem insurmountable when you are simply trying to breathe, control your “heart attack” and can barely get out a sentence.

Retreat further and further into ourselves … we feel like we are not good enough for most people and things as we are so sensitive that one ‘joke’ could mean we think that nobody likes us and we are unwelcome… it’s easier to not hear any criticism or jokes

There are so many more points I will add in my blog.

I have been lucky enough to conquer and deal with my anxiety well most days, and so again I write this with the sincerity of perhaps helping someone who needs to chat to someone who knows how they feel.

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So DM me please anytime, I will be up worrying about something most of the night : )

And at the same time, trying to explain to friends and family and acquaintances why someone with these “conditions” behaves as they do…. they are scared or sad and paralyzed by these things ..

Blog to follow tomorrow

All my love
Jojo

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Anxiety… It is not the unmentionable with our amazing Heavenly Father

It often amazes me that people are amazed by the fact that I admit to suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. No, I don’t do this because I have found the ultimate cure even though I have been on medication, visited physiologists, tried breathing techniques etc. etc. etc. it is because I believe that I do “control” my problem relatively well and if I can help one person by sharing how I do this well then call me crazy …. I am glad I have served a purpose.

In this crazy existence we call life, so many people “suffer” from some form of physiological disease … From depression to anorexia, OCD, ADD, anxiety, social phobia, agoraphobia …. And because these are deemed as making one “nuts” people don’t like to share their problems and others, most of whom also suffer from one or all of the above, shun those who are honest about it.

So I suffer with a fear of dying… My sister got sick when I was very young and death has been prevalent in my life since then. She is fine but my sub conscious mind is still affected by the years of fearing mine or someone I love’s death…. Not an excuse for what I have, just a reason. Or so I thought…. It then occurred to me that in nearly every walk of my life I meet people who find it uncannily easy to share their problems with me and by simply listening and sharing my story I have managed to help a few of them…. Needless to say this has even happened when I have wound up in hospital with a fatal bee sting , no I am not allergic, breathing into a brown bag and convinced my final breath was seconds away.

So maybe I should look at this “disease” as a blessing and not a curse. Yes it is something I would love to be free of as it does hamper certain aspects of my life. However maybe just maybe it is a way in which my Daddy in Heaven has given me a way of giving back… By helping those worse off then me.

As I think of my unborn children I am glad this is not genetic as tears roll down my cheeks this is truly something i would not wish on anyone

There is always hope though… Always… as I think of you and pray for you whoever you may be reading this post no matter what you suffer from. Know this … Nothing on Earth is more powerful then the name of Jesus…. When you feel scared, lonely, depressed, insecure or desperate … Just say His name and allow him to fill you with His peace that passes all earthly understanding.

It helps me everyday in everything I do. If you would like to get in contact with me about your problem, religious or not… I really don’t judge if it is something else that will help you and be right for you I will do my best to assist in finding it… Please do so at jbayvel@yahoo.com.

If you are reading this now and are experiencing any of these terrible things … Try sing or say these words… They have got me through many an attack where I could have been in hospital…

Jesus, what a beautiful name
Son of God, Son of Man
Lamb that was slain
Joy and peace, strength and hope
Grace that blows all fears away
Jesus, what a beautiful name

Jesus, what a beautiful name
Truth revealed, my future sealed
Healed my pain
Love and freedom, life and warmth
Grace that blows all fears away
Jesus, what a beautiful name

Jesus, what a beautiful name
Rescued my soul, my stronghold
Lifts me from shame
Forgiveness, security, power and love
Grace that blows all fear away
Jesus, what a beautiful name

John Waller – snippet of his Biography, battle and victory over depression through Jesus , and one of his songs from “Fireproof” the movie

I am a “strong” Christian…. never believe when someone says that they are faultless and sinless because they are “believers” believe me we all sin everyday in varying degrees. The most poignant thing about John Waller’s testimony is his triumph over what the medical world describes as an incurable mental disease “Bi-Polar” … he was healed of this almost dramatically and has take a turn for God in his life to worship, honor and share our Father’s amazing love with the world. No judgement just love. If he can be cured of manic depression my anxiety and any of you out their suffering with mental “disorders” as doctors would say, their is not only hope of healing their is proof. Its just a matter of asking and believing, praying and serving.

John Waller

John Waller Biography from Facebook Page … click here to like http://www.facebook.com/johnwaller?sk=info 

From his early days leading the critically acclaimed band According to John to his impactful ministry as a solo artist, John Waller has continually used his gifts as a singer and songwriter to inspire, educate and encourage the body of Christ. With such powerful songs as “The Blessing” and “While I’m Waiting,” Waller articulates what it means to live a God-centered life in a turbulent world.

He continues to do so on his new album, “As For Me and My House” a potent collection of songs buoyed by Waller’s insightful songwriting and compelling voice. “I don’t think I could write a record in any less than a year or two years because you really have to walk with the Lord and you have to experience life and allow the Lord to teach you something. The title track is, to me, the heart of this record,” Waller says of “As For Me and My House”, which joyfully declares “we belong to the Lord, and we will not give our hearts to another.”

“I’ve been parallel to the children of Israel in a lot of ways,” Waller says of his life. “I suffered with depression for so many years. I was in bondage for years and then the Lord set me free about seven years ago. He healed me and taught me a lot about blessing and speaking life. Many of the songs on my first solo album came out of that. The Lord has given all of us so many promises that are ours for the taking; yet there is a battle to lay hold of what God has promised us.”

A devoted husband, a loving father and a fierce believer in God’s word, Waller pours a torrent of emotion into the songs on “As For Me and My House”. “This album has promises. It’s about the clarity that comes when we remove anything that takes the place of God,” he says. “There have been a lot of idols in my life in the last couple of years—one being music. Wanting to make it and be established as a Christian artist became an idol in my life. I came to a place where I said, ‘I’m done doing that! I’m done building my kingdom, Lord I give it all to you. I just want to build your kingdom and I don’t care how that looks.'”

The talented Georgia native first caught the attention of the Christian music community as frontman for According to John. When the group disbanded, he and his wife Josee felt led to move to Colorado where they helped launch Southlink Church. Though he had given up his aspirations as a recording artist, he began writing songs at Southlink that led to new chapter in his ministry when he signed a deal Beach Street Records/Provident Music Group. His major label debut, “The Blessing,” introduced a wider audience to Waller’s music and gave him a national platform. He followed his debut solo album with “While I’m Waiting,” a powerful project that included the poignant title track, which was featured in “Fireproof,” the No. 1 independent film in 2008. Waller’s song was the only song in the film played in its entirety and its powerful message resonated strongly with audiences.

In recording “As For Me and My House”, Waller once again sought God’s direction and penned a potent collection of songs. Produced by Jason Hoard, the 11-song set is teeming with the passion and integrity that have become hallmarks of Waller’s artistry. “Jason gets what I do and we’ve been working together for so long—since According To John—and he just knows what I’m going for,” Waller says of working with the Georgia-based multi-instrumentalist. “With Jason we took each song and built it from the ground up and made sure it was built around the vocal.”

The album opens with the anthemic “Our God Reigns Here” a song Waller felt strongly about revisiting from the his previous album, which is direct spiritual warfare. “Yes” is a sonically vibrant song that reverberates with the truth of God’s goodness and positive touch on our lives. Penned by Waller, Hoard and Third Day frontman Mac Powell. “Because God is Good” is a celebration of the Lord’s grace and sovereignty. “Every believer that I know can relate to the fact that life doesn’t go the way we plan it all the time,” Waller says, “but the Bible promises all things work for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Things have not gone the way I thought they would go, but God has always been good to me. It’s because God is good that sometimes life doesn’t go the way we want it to go. It’s because of his goodness that he spares us from going the way we think things should.”

“Man of the Valley” is a poignant song about the challenges that help us grow. “I love mountain top experiences,” Waller says with a smile, “but my life has really been shaped in the valley. In the desert where it seems dry and it seems like God isn’t doing anything, that’s really where He’s molding me most. I speak with authority because I have been in the valley and my story has really been written in the valley.”

Among the album’s many highlights is “The Marriage Prayer,” a beautiful duet featuring John’s wife Josee. “She’s always sang with me and when we lived in Colorado, she was on my worship team. She’s done backup vocals on my records, but this is her debut singing her own,” Waller says of the song. “I adapted it from a prayer that author named Patrick Morley wrote. I changed it around and made it fit to a song format. It’s a great song and I’m excited about people hearing this one.”

“Somebody Else’s Story” is a tender prayer that captures Waller’s heart for sharing Jesus with others as he sings “I want to be a part. I want to be a part of somebody else’s story, somebody else’s story of redemption. I want to be the one to shine the light of Jesus into their darkness. Lead me to that someone I pray. Lord I want to bring you glory.”

John Waller is a talented man who continually uses his gifts to bring glory to God by encouraging fellow believers and by introducing others to the Lord he so passionately serves. “God has definitely taught me to completely live by faith and I can honestly say that my wife and I completely live by faith in everything we do,” Waller says. “God always provides. He always comes through and one of the biggest things I’ve learned is that God’s plan for each one our lives is not going to look like someone else’s. I’m an individual and unique and God has a unique plan for me. I’ve had to learn to not compare myself to someone else and it’s hard not to do that especially in this industry. You want to measure your success by what you see others doing. I’ve learned that I’ve had to let that go and know that I am successful, but I’m successful by God’s standard and not by man.”

 

Below is the theme song from Fireproof a phenomenal and REAL movie…. no sugar coating as well as another of my fave’s. Also here is the link to view more of John Waller’s music. http://www.johnwallermusic.com/