Tag Archives: Mental Health

10 IMPORTANT THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT WHAT MAKES A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

It may seem peculiar to some, that I often write blog posts about love, relationships and happily ever after … when I am single! It’s just that I cannot help but dream of meeting that person who will not complete me but rather complete life with me. Someone who loves me unconditionally for all my pros and cons, in sickness and health… etc. So who better to learn from then one of my good friends moms – who has been married in a fairy tale sort of way – recently celebrating her 27th wedding anniversary! He is my ex although we remain the best of friends in part because his mother is a shining example of strength, dignity, passion and intelligence and has passed these traits on to her sons.

It is little wonder she has this advice and incredible love story to share.

10 IMPORTANT THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT WHAT MAKES A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

What makes a good relationship

Celebrating 27 Years Together

I am writing from our hotel room in the beautiful Muskoka region of Ontario, Canada, where my husband and I are celebrating 27 years together (married for 17 of those). A burst of magnificent colour outside our window beckons us – the stunning display of fall foliage at its peak. My husband reads his newspaper beside me, one hand absentmindedly resting on my shoulder as I ponder over the question I’ve been asked to write about: What Makes a Good Relationship?

In an era that endures so many failed relationships I feel extremely fortunate to have a happy marriage. My husband and I hear over and over again from our children that our relationship gives them hope, and our friends frequently comment on the love and the harmony that is clearly evident in our marriage.

We have both been married before and have children from our previous marriages (eight between us!). So when one of them recently asked me to write a blog about what makes a good relationship I had to think carefully about what it is that we actually do that has contributed to our success, since at this stage it’s simply the way we are.

What makes a good relationship

Commonalities

As I look back I remember clearly how – in our very first conversation – we discovered that both of our parents were seniors in happy long term marriages, that we have children of similar ages – each with a set of twins – and that we come from the same ethnic background. As time marched on we discovered more similarities. We have similar religious beliefs, enjoy the same movies and TV shows, and seek similar vacation activities (both love beaches, nature and beautiful scenery and don’t like touring cities and museums). We are both self-sufficient, enjoy solitude and dislike large gatherings.

In all likelihood these commonalities contribute positively to our relationship, but we also need strategies, skills and techniques to deal with the myriad of relationship issues that inevitably crop up. I came up with a list of ten things that we do that help strengthen our marriage, and – while I do not claim to be a relationship expert – would venture to say that these points may be of use to other couples looking for ideas about building a healthy relationship.

What makes a good relationship

So – What Have I Learned About What Makes a Good Relationship?

1. Accepting Differences

Perhaps the toughest challenge we encountered was learning to manage the many differences that gradually emerged between us. To name a few – my husband is passionate about politics – my passions are music and dance. While I have several hobbies (woodcarving, writing and photography) my husband is a news freak. I’m a spender; he is a saver (but with that is very generous). I’m a ‘glass half full’ person – he views his glass as half empty. He tends to be a somewhat private person; I am an open book. We also have different dietary tastes and different sleeping patterns.

Over the years these differences intruded on our lives and caused friction as each of us tried to change the other. When that didn’t work we moved to resignation before ultimately arriving at genuine acceptance. It was a difficult but worthwhile journey from which we learned the big lesson: we can’t change other people! Once we got through the eye of the needle we found that our relationship grew increasingly peaceful and harmonious, and the differences ceased to matter. In fact they make the relationship more interesting, as we continually learn from each other.

2. Communication

Second only to the resolution of differences is the acquisition of good communication skills, which we learned over time, aided by the fact that as a social worker I had to learn how to communicate constructively. We talk. A lot. At all times we speak respectfully, never raising our voices to each other, and quick to apologize when necessary. Aside from exchanging the minutiae of our daily lives, we talk about contentious issues as they arise, never sweeping things under the rug – so there is no build up of resentment over unresolved conflicts. Also, knowing that neither one of us can read minds, we ask for what we want rather than hoping or expecting that somehow our unexpressed needs will be met. We share thoughts, feelings and experiences – the good, the bad and the ugly – thereby enhancing the emotional and physical intimacy between us. No subject is off limits and we hide nothing from each other.

These communication skills were acquired over time – they didn’t appear overnight.

3. Trust

Integral to our relationship is trust, an issue we discussed on our first date, when we both voiced the belief that cheating in a relationship is a deal breaker. In our marriage trust is simply a given.

4. Commitment

Our commitment to each other and to our marriage is solid, and does not waver, even through the challenging times (which are part and parcel of all relationships). This means that the love we feel for each other is not conditional – it is a constant upon which we can both depend. Similarly, no matter what struggles we encounter we know that we can rely on each other for practical and/or emotional support.

5. Thoughtfulness

That brings me to the notion of thoughtfulness. How do we know we are loved? We know this by the little demonstrations … the loving gestures that remind each of us that we are important to the other. Phone calls just to say hello, unexpected hugs and kisses, holding hands, or saying “I love you’’ several times a day – these are just a few examples.

6. Together Time

Creating regular time together – uninterrupted – is important to us since it is our opportunity to shut out the world. . We enjoy each other’s company and love being alone together. We also enjoy companionable silence, each immersed in our own activity yet still feeling close.

7. Task Sharing

In our household there are no assigned roles. We share tasks based on which one of us is available to do the task, or who is more competent at any given task. We both enjoy having order in our home, so we automatically clean up after ourselves

8. Money Management

We combine our incomes – so whatever money comes in goes into a joint bank account, and before we buy any big-ticket item we discuss it. And when we buy birthday gifts for our children and grand children we spend an equal amount on each.

9. Connection to Family

We are both involved in the everyday lives of the two sets of families, devoting time to spend with both, including extended family as well as our children and grandchildren.

10. Humour

And last – but most definitely not least – we laugh a lot – almost every day. We tease each other mercilessly (but never unkindly), find humour in unusual places, and laugh about funny incidents that happened in the past.

Gratitude

Until now I had not stopped to think about the specific ways in which we ourselves are responsible for having such a happy marriage. I simply sat back and reveled in the peace and harmony that permeates our relationship and our home. It hasn’t always been smooth sailing, and sometimes we wonder how we made it through the tough times. Perhaps we were implementing many of the strategies without having a name for what we were doing? And now, as we celebrate this anniversary surrounded by the stunning kaleidoscope of vibrant colour, I realize how fortunate I am to have this loving relationship, and I stop for a moment to hold my husband’s hand and bask in the gentle and abiding love that flows between us.

What makes a good relationship

As always it is an honour to share one of her beautifully written blogs – follow her on http://adelegould.com

DETERMINED TO LEARN HOW TO BUILD CONFIDENCE AND SELF ESTEEM: MY STORY

I am taking the opportunity of posting this on my blog as the author is an amazing mentor, friend, confidant and my brilliant editor on work related blogs!

Her writing is phenomenal… true life stories about everyday things we all deal with. Read more of her sometimes gut wrenching and sometimes tummy tickling posts here http://adelegould.com

How to build confidence and self esteem

Can One Really Learn How to Build Confidence and Self Esteem?

Is it possible to  learn how to build confidence and self esteem?   With determination and perseverance, the answer is a resounding ‘yes!’  I am living proof that having low self-esteem is not a life sentence!

Symptoms of Low Self Esteem – What Does It Feel Like?

For many, many years I was plagued with debilitating feelings of inadequacy – an all-encompassing belief that I was a flawed human being.  I was quite sure that there was something inherently wrong with me … that I was born with a deficit which I was powerless to change. Mistrusting of my ideas and opinions, I  kept them to myself and  felt like an  outsider watching the world go by without being a part of  anything. Making decisions was agonizing because I was sure I’d make the wrong choice. I could never say no to a request, and was convinced that if people knew the person  behind my smiling facade they would discover just how worthless I really was – and then disappear from my life.  So I lived in fear of exposure, envious of those who exuded confidence, and always aware of  a large, dark, empty whole inside of me – one that could never be filled.

In short – I suffered from extremely low self-esteem.

How to Build Confidence and Self Esteem

How Did it Happen?

For so long, the cause of my low self-esteem eluded me.  Was I born that way?   Did I enter the world with low self-esteem?  Of course not (though at one time I would not have believed that).   Newborn infants have squeaky-clean slates – no hangups,  no lack of self confidence,  no self esteem issues.

So what happened to me?  How did I become so critical of myself?  Was overcoming low self esteem even a remote possibility – or was I stuck with it forever?  My climb out of that large, dark empty hole began in my late thirties, when – by sheer chance, an article on the front cover of a magazine caught my attention. The title of the article was “The 4 D’s of Emotional Abuse”.  Intrigued,  I bought the magazine.

It changed my life.

The article described four elements of parental emotional abuse (though this is equally applicable to adult relationships):

Deprivation – in which the parent does not express love or show affection towards the child, and offers little support or guidance.

Distancing – in which the parent is emotionally unavailable, and displays minimal  interest in the child’s developments, milestones or accomplishments.

Depreciation – in which the parent is verbally abusive to the child, criticizing his/her accomplishments as falling  short of perfection  and condemning perceived misbehaviour with accusations of ‘you always say  ….’ or ‘you never do …’

Domination – in which the parent tries to control every aspect of the child’s behaviour through the use of harsh threats and unrealistic punishments.

How to Build Confidence and Self Esteem

The Effects of Emotional Abuse                                                                     

Emotional abuse leads to the destruction of self-esteem. Children who do not feel loved and cherished by their parents automatically assume  that it is because they are not lovable. Hence a lifelong  struggle to find ways of overcoming  low self esteem,

As I read and re-read the article  I realized that some of  what is described in the 4 D’s mirrored my own experience as a child.  What I later discovered was that emotionally abusive parents are usually people who themselves received inadequate love and nurturing from their own parents. So  –  whereas I  initially felt anger towards my mother (the main disciplinarian in our family) – I was later able to feel great compassion towards her (and still do), since in those days there was scant information about abuse or its causes and treatment –  and I believe that my mother, in the absence of the kind of information that turned my life around – was trying her level best to teach her children right from wrong.  For her, there was nothing more important than her family,  and – though she was unable to show it in ways I would have wanted  – I know that she really loved me.   I used to wish that we could have talked openly about all of this but now  I am glad  that we did not, since we did not need to have that conversation in order for me to heal.

How complex family relationships can be!

Getting Help

Understanding the ‘why’ however, was not enough.  I needed to know how to fix it.   I decided to get some professional help and was fortunate in finding an excellent psychiatrist whose gentle support, guidance and expertise helped me to  uncover and revisit some of the painful childhood experiences that I had blocked out of memory until then – experiences which had led to my beliefs about myself as unlovable and unworthy. These therapy  sessions  helped me  to challenge the validity of these  beliefs, and I began to notice that  the dark hole inside of me was gradually being filled by positive feelings about myself.   I continued these sessions  for about two years, and then tapered the frequency as I felt stronger and better able to manage my emotions.

 

How To Build Confidence and Self Esteem

Too Little Too Late?

Sadly, until I had began the healing process, I had parented my children as I had been parented.  To this day it is painful for me to remember.  I have since told them many times how sorry I am and how I wish I had known then what I know now about being a parent. What I needed them to know was that any  negative beliefs they had of themselves were imposed by my then-unconscious mode of parenting, not by any deficits of theirs.   My children are older now, some with their own children. I am now a loving parent who tries hard to provide the kind of support, understanding and encouragement that my children deserve  I am truly fortunate that they do not hold my past transgressions against me.  They know how unaware I was, how remorseful I am – and  how different I am now.

Confidence Boosters

Aside from having been in therapy,  there were (and are) other confidence boosters which contributed to my improved self-esteem – factors such as having a successful career,  being in a loving  marriage and developing skills in my  areas of interest.  While these factors  definitely contribute to my feeling of self-worth, I believe the reverse applies too – i.e.  my improved self-esteem impacted my ability to have a successful career and marriage.

The Cycle of Abuse

The cycle of abuse is all too common. Some abused children rebel against their upbringing and develop a ‘lassez faire’ approach to parenting. Others (like me) might blindly repeat what is familiar to them, parenting as they were parented – until (if ever) something leads them to seek professional help.  By that time the damage is done,  and one can only hope that the children involved somehow break the cycle of abuse. If not, it is likely to continue into the next generation.

How To Build Confidence and Self Esteem

My wish is that parenting do’s and don’ts be taught in schools so that children have an opportunity to know that there is  another way.  If teachers were to address  this, and get  children talking about self esteem issues,  I am convinced  that the world would be a better please.

Can ‘Affirmations’ Improve Self Esteem?

Just a quick comment on the practice of ‘Affirmations”  – statements of positive self talk which are reputed to improve self esteem. For example the person is supposed to repeat phrases like  “I will be extremely successful” or “I stand up for myself” or “people look up to me and admire me”. Perhaps affirmations can be useful in certain situations, but what concerns me is that it gives people false hope.  I fail to see how affirmations could  change a lifetime of low self-esteem.

And Finally – What Does it Feel Like to Have Good Self Esteem?

I began by describing what it felt like to live with low self-esteem,  and I posed the question “Can One Really Learn How to Build Confdence and Self Esteem?”  There is no doubt in my mind that the answer is a positive one, but self esteem cannot simply be learned or taught in the conventional manner of learning.  It is a process  – and one that can take time. The time will pass regardless, so it makes sense to me to begin the process sooner rather than later.

This is what it feels like to have good self esteem:

I am able to view myself as  a worthy individual. That is not to say that I think I’m terrific –  or that I never struggle with  some experiences of self-criticism. Rather, I  believe that my ideas and opinions  are worth expressing, that it is okay to be wrong and that I don’t have to  be perfect. While I feel good about myself – about my strengths, abilities and accomplishments – I recognize and am able to deal with my limitations. I have learned to be assertive, to trust my choices and decisions,  and to say no when I need to say no. I am less critical of myself, more confident and more resilient. There remain some areas with which I still struggle, but the struggle is generally short-lived and manageable.

How To Build Confidence and Self Esteem

“Self esteem is made up primarily of two things:  feeling loveable and feeling capable”    (Jack Canfield)

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