My pops, Paul Bayvel ex #springbok rugby scrummie from flipping long ago. Today I organised for his biggest fan to meet him Pieter Van Der Spuy – after many years of him asking (dad doesn’t like fame or pics 🤪).
Although at 69 & 70 the genes of these two are looking hopeful for us. Denise Bayvel
Not even adding to the beautiful words that my oldest sis wrote (just a pic of me always as I was the forgotten non famous child long after his rugby career was finished #thirdchildsyndrome)
Repost @bronni_bee Dad. May my boys follow in your footsteps. To have your talent and your tenacity. To lead as you did. To love as you have. To be strong and bold and fearless. To make their kids as proud one day as I am of you. You rock. #scrapbookmemories #mydad #scrumhalf #springbokrugby love you @bronni_bee you are incredible your musings are amazing & true.
I always try and write my posts as honestly as possible and I guess this is one of those posts that so many of you will relate to; and perhaps explains why (not just as I am so fussy) I am single at 37 – yet I yearn for true love and perhaps even a child.
I’ve lived a life where love has teetered on the edge of loss from the age of 5, not ‘that kind of love’ but the love of my sister and hearing she would die every year until I was 33. Living in and out of hospitals and watching those we got close to and loved, lose their lives or their little loved kiddies. For me, it is even losing my beautiful dogs. Maybe for you, it is a completely different experience/s… I think it is just such a common phenomena now that has made for a world where people like but do not want to let themselves love, completely.
In this this crazy world, where life has become so very fragile, letting your walls down and loving with every part of you has become incredibly scary as I think we all contemplate the loss and heartache it may bring. For years even when knowing I would be proposed to (yes I was warned) three times, my theme song was still… never to let anyone in to me, my secret garden, completely, ever…
BUT, my goodness what are we missing out on! The famous quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson, “’tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” is oh so right!
A few days or seconds of a beautiful love story or connection is the most incredible thing in the world and the heartache will always fade, or perhaps it will be a saga for you or me. An endless love, what if we do not pursue it with hearts wide open?
Love is gut-wrenching. Love is pain. Love is scary. It’s completely terrifying and I’m not going to sit here and convince you it’s not. Because it is.
Love is losing yourself completely to another person and trusting that they are not going to walk away. Love is telling someone that they are the one for you and hoping they feel the same way. Love is knowing that no matter what happens, that you’ve got each other’s backs.
We’ve all loved the wrong person. An in loving the wrong person, we’ve found out the reasons why love is such a petrifying act. Because when you love the wrong person the inevitable happens- heartbreak. And WOW heartbreak is the worst. When we lose friendships, they seem to just fade out whereas when we break up with someone, we’re supposed to instantly just forget them. We’re just supposed to just cut this person who was once so important out, without a second thought. We’re supposed to pick up our pile of broken pieces and try to glue them back together by ourselves without showing any cracks…
We are all you’re tired of giving our all to someone who doesn’t reciprocate those feelings. Tired of the games and dating apps. We are just so tired of letting someone in, only for them to go and leave us completely alone again.
So, I understand exactly why like I am, you’re sitting there and thinking love is scary.
Well we don’t fall in love with someone when it’s easy. Everyone can fall in love with someone when it’s easy. We fall in love in the hard times. We fall in love with someone when they’re at their worst and we want to stay anyways. We fall in love with someone when something bad has just destroyed their world and we want to be the one they lean on to get through it. We fall in love with someone in the dark, in the grit and in the pain.
Loving someone when it’s easy isn’t scary at all; loving someone when it’s hard is.
But love is worth it. I know I just told you all of the reasons why love is scary, I know I just told you that love is work and that there are many, many reasons why you shouldn’t fall in love but I have know begun to believe it’s worth it.
The thing is, there’s only one thing to do when it comes to love; stay. Stay in the hard times. Stay in the easy times. Stay with the person you love because staying will always be the best outcome. Stay when it’s scary because even though it’s completely frightening, it will be worth it. Love is always worth it.
Don’t give up on something that when it does come into your life makes you feel so alive. Loving someone is an act that you should never regret no matter how it ends up. You deserve to know what it’s like to fall in love and even better, you deserve to feel loved.
So, it’s OK to be scared of love, but one day you’re going to meet someone who makes all of the fears worth it.– I know I am….. and my hope for us is that we don’t let fear hold us back from something completely magical.
So I am changing that song and because there are so many beautiful love songs, it will probably change daily but thats love, it changes, it adapts, it hurts, it heals but it is always worth it. And yip I need my space sometimes so that may not change.
Hey mister big guy, I know that Heaven has gained an angel & you must be entertaining everyone up there with all that charisma & wit; but it’s sad for those left behind. gone forever a few days after I could have seen you more… lessons buddy you taught them.
You were indeed a legend on the field #14 but you went far beyond that.
Your true legacy lies in being “The Sweetest Small Big Guy” with the softest heart, selfless, humble & a safe haven – you would protect anyone you cared for.
You forgave quickly, you loved with everything you had, you lived each day to the full and laughed with that voice that made a girl melt, far to often.
Rod Stewart, The Bee Gees, Bruce Springsteen … none of these songs sound the same now that you are gone. And how could i forget the one thing neither of us had/have the thing that made us argue yet you put this stubborn one in her place with kind words and your favourite song “Patience” by Guns and Roses.
And you did teach me “it’s in the words sweetest little angel” “Everybody needs a human touch”…and I will listen again, for now. My hearts aches & I will miss our chats & ur care for me. Your bear hugs. Your Safety. I guess I need that patience now to heal from the loss of your heart.
But your family and best friends have lost a man they cherished like no other … my thoughts & prayers are with them now & always.
Your babies adored their Papa. May they be reminded of the amazing man on AND off the field, everyday. Fly now sweet mister, be happy. Until we meet again. Miss ya ‘Barbie Bayvel’
our big angel doggie
got the gentle giant
to the vet in pjs –
only six years
old & diagnosis
results on monday.
say a little
for us please
the half of my heart
belong to Mia.
the most precious
his dogs purpose
has taught me so
but not enough
for now it’s me & my big dude.
this might be a love song but my boy, my biggest boy, I Love You!
I know some of the most amazing momma’s & ladies, but without a doubt, none can compare to you Denise Bayvel
Not only that external beauty my most exquisite love.
It’s more that inner radiance, that selflessness, that gentleness. The way you love with all of you, the way you would do anything at anytime for not just your family but even strangers, the way I can only say YOU are the best person in this entire world
This my momsy, is what makes you the the best thing that has ever happened to me.
How blessed to be the one God chose to give his most wonderful angel on earth, as a mom to me.
I love you today, tomorrow and a little more with every passing moment.
My next blog post is going to be far more heartfelt & perhaps make me a little vulnerable in this judgmental world of social media.. ( well in this judgmental world ).
Yip that’s me smiling as I usually am…
However after seeing how many people have taken their lives recently, unable to deal with modern day stress, depression and anxiety – I think it is so important to share our own stories, in the hopes that we can maybe help these people.
Stop them from trying to find peace whilst leaving behind shattered loved ones.
Make them see that there is hope, that one can “control” these “conditions” that there are so many people quietly suffering from, day in and day out.
That we should no longer see anxiety or depression as taboo – they are not.
Mostly I will write this blog to try in my own little way to say “Hey I am here, I know how you feel, call me, write to me… I will try and help”
I guess I will write about my journey.
I am lucky enough to only suffer with chronic anxiety.
Lucky being the operative word as it is a crippling thing.
However I am always laughing and joking, I am outgoing and friendly, and if I had depression I think those things would also be taken from me… how sad for those who suffer from both.
Those who know my family history will understand why I got anxiety at 5 years old, just a little thing terrified of death and those around her dying … these fears are more pronounced today than ever, and as with chronic anxiety they have attached themselves to other fears, yip irrational ones but fears nonetheless.
My Faith in God gets me through my anxiety attacks and somehow I wish I could just place that extra faith in him to get me through the daily, constant anxiety (day by day… second by second… I won’t give up and neither will He).
I think that for an anxiety sufferer to try and explain to someone without anxiety just what our thoughts are … is impossible.
So, as someone most people see as a happy girl, blessed with everything of the best in life (I am thankfully) perhaps you will understand when someone who is not happy, who is sad and scared behaves in these ways, as I do, you will think back to my smile and outgoing nature and remember anxiety and depression CAN AFFECT ANYONE…
Seem unreliable as we feel fine and agree to do something social and when the day comes we can’t. We are paralyzed with fear and instead of telling you we will ignore you… it’s less scary.
Not answer phone calls or texts … this small task can seem insurmountable when you are simply trying to breathe, control your “heart attack” and can barely get out a sentence.
Retreat further and further into ourselves … we feel like we are not good enough for most people and things as we are so sensitive that one ‘joke’ could mean we think that nobody likes us and we are unwelcome… it’s easier to not hear any criticism or jokes
There are so many more points I will add in my blog.
I have been lucky enough to conquer and deal with my anxiety well most days, and so again I write this with the sincerity of perhaps helping someone who needs to chat to someone who knows how they feel.
So DM me please anytime, I will be up worrying about something most of the night : )
And at the same time, trying to explain to friends and family and acquaintances why someone with these “conditions” behaves as they do…. they are scared or sad and paralyzed by these things ..